Rock Out With Your Spock Out

A Guide to the New Star Trek Film For the Geek Impaired:

When you are in love, sometimes you try strange new things for the sake of love, which explains that time in college when I did hallucinogenic mushrooms. When you are in love with a geek you try out geeky things.

I have been accused at various times in my life of being a closet geek, but I’m here to tell you that simply isn’t so. I wish it was, as I would fit in much better in my neighborhood where XKCD quotes are practically a second language and one can’t throw a rock without hitting an MIT grad. I’m sure there is an equation for that, but I’m not good enough at math to do it for you.

To claim any real sort of geekdom would prove me the ultimate poseur. I have never LARPED, played D&D or owned a 20 sided die, nor have I ever read or written any fan fic. I  don’t even own that many comic books. If I am any kind of geek, I am the very worst type; that stuck up East Coast free trade latte drinking liberal type that listens to way too much NPR and enjoys the writing of Sarah Vowell in a very snooty, self congratulatory way. Any alleged geekdom on my part exists mainly in the fantasy world of the guys I’ve dated, as I’d make a pretty hot nerd-girl if I do say so myself. There are plenty of geek girls out there (again, especially in my neck of the woods) I just don’t happen to be one of them. To add to my geek-deficiency, I’ve never even owed any questionably slutty ren-faire garb. Clearly, I fail at nerdhood.

Yet I keep falling for geeks, and they keep falling for me. For me the pattern started in late college when I realized that nerdy boys were more likely to remember your birthday and less likely to sleep with your roommate or try to prove their manhood by taking a drunk piss off the side of a building in front of 20 people at a rooftop party. (All true stories! Ah, college!) Geeky boys are better at keeping up their end of the conversation and we’re while being totally honest here, they’re also better in bed than most of their stereotypical hetero-male counterparts. Which is why this nerd-challenged woman who loves them will be open minded and try new things (get your mind out of the gutter!) like going to Star Trek movies.

I gotta admit, I was nervous I wouldn’t get it. But after my first foray onto the Starship Enterprise, I think I’ve got a pretty decent working knowledge of the Trekkie-verse. So here it is, my guide to Star Trek for the Star Trek Virgin:

The Good:

 Mr. Spock. He’s a Vulcan. Vulcans are praised for their logic. Some people like to compare Barack Obama to Mr. Spock for his ability to keep a cool head in times of danger. Although he is part human and ergot kinda sensitive which makes hot ladies in inappropriately short uniforms want to make out with him. 

I think I look sort of like Mr. Spock with my new haircut.  When I mentioned this to my boyfriend, he looked at me admiringly said, “Well you do look sort of Vulcan with your hair that way.” That’s a compliment, right?

Spock also looks sort of like Audrey Tautou in the film Amelie.

Exhibit A:

Amelie:                                                                                                                                            

 

 

 

 

Mr Spock:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vulcan hair. Is it the new fashion mullet?

Oh, and can we discuss the cameos in this film?

There was Harold (although I barely recognized him without Kumar.) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As Sulu.

And while they were at it, they threw in Simon Pegg as Scotty, because why the hell not!?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scotty has a craaaazy Scottish accent (now I get it! Scotty!) and a penchant for sandwiches. I somehow find myself overly-identifying with nearly every character Simon Pegg plays. I’m not sure what that says about me. Veggie Ruben, anyone?

And a stealth appearance by Winona Freakin’ Ryder as Spock’s mom. I know. WTF. 

And now, the Bad:

The Romulans.

Romulans resemble that prick security guard at your local rock bar, you know the one with all the bad tribal tattoos all over his face? The one that kicked you out of an X Concert because your “purse was too big”? Asshole. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyways, Romulans fly around in this spaceship that looks like giant mechanical false eyelashes fucking up people’s shit just to be douchebags, they are bad news, and to be avoided at all costs. 

And The Hotties:

Captian Fucking Kirk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hottest captain since Captain Jack Sparrow. Normally I don’t even go for blondes but Chris Pine gets a get into my bed outta jail free card for this role. Smolder factor is totally upped by the fact that he’s that loose cannon type with anger issues cuz her grew up without a dad. He’s that arrogant guy in school who’s arrogance only made him sexier which only made you hate yourself for wanting to fuck him. Just like every other girl in school.

This was a seriously good flick. This means a lot coming from me, as I tend to pass out within the first five minutes of any space epic. The last three Star Wars Movies? Out cold. 2001 A Space Odyssey? Zzzzzzz. But again, I saw that one during my “magic mushrooms for love” phase so I can’t say that illicit substances didn’t have anything to do with that particular sci-fi induced nap. It isn’t that I find science fiction boring in and of itself, it is the fact that a good character driven plot has always been what’s gotten me sucked into a story. How am I supposed to invest in your planet in a far off galaxy if I don’t give a crap about the lifeless, CGI creatures who live there? Star Trek was a prequel, so it was all about the characters. About Spock before he was Spock. And after. I’ve said too much.

 It was funny, sexy touching and full of explosions and like all truly great movies, the special effects weren’t the best things about it. Invested? I was absorbed. I didn’t blink, didn’t check my watch once, and the one time I went to the bathroom I ran like a bat outta hell and zipped my pants up on the way back to the theater. You needed to know that.

So there you have it, my guide to Star Trek.  And may the force be with you. Oh, whoops, wrong geek reference. Well, at least I tried.