Confession of the Day: I’m A Premature Bridezilla
September 24, 2009 at 1:16 am 8 comments
A friend of mine recently posted a blog entry complete with to her ideal renaissance-inspired wedding dress. Never mind that she doesn’t happen to be engaged or even in a serious relationship at the moment. She momentarily pondered if this made her a bit silly. If this makes her silly, then I’m just plain certifiable. Friend, I’ll do you one further, much further. I’m not engaged either but I not only have a dress in mind… I have my entire damn wedding planned. You heard me.
For a while I’ve wanted a Dia de los Muertos inspired wedding. My mom cringed when I once mentioned this in front of her, but hear me out mom, I’m not thinking cheesy-ass goth wedding, I’m thinking Martha Stewart Living Halloween Issue wedding. Picture it. A crisp fall day on Cape Cod. It will be just cool enough to wear an amazing Supermaggie scarf. The color scheme is purple, green and orange. The dress is 1950′s style, maybe with some colorful embellishments like this. Obviously this unique ensemble will involve a fascinator instead of a veil. Papel Picado and brightly colored lanterns adorn the place. On each brightly colored picnic table there is a different Mexican oilcloth tablecloth. The centerpieces are white ghost pumpkins carved into tasteful lanterns, and surrounded by short mason jars with bunches of Gerber daisies. The cake is a tower of Lyndell’s cupcakes atop a vintage cake stand with a sugar skull bride and groom at the very top.
Oh, and this all won’t be mind numbingly expensive because it will all be vintage, etsy or DIY.
Where’s the hypothetical groom in this? Oh, he just has to show up and look pretty. And wear a top hat.
Seriously though, what is up with wedding fever? or should I say wedding planning fever? Is it because a motherload of my friends have gotten engaged or married in the last year and watching them plan their weddings naturally makes me think of my own? Is it because in spite of my combat-boot stomping, anti-patriarchal “I don’t need no stinkin’ marriage to make me complete” feminist trumpeting I’m secretly starved to settled down in partnered, heterosexual bliss? Have I been brainwashed by society to fantasize incessantly about “my special day”?
Maybe I’m secretly a romantic at heart. Or perhaps it is the party planner coming out in me. I’m a theater person for chrissakes, most of the shindigs I throw involve mood lighting, atmospheric design and costumes (not to mention interactive craft projects, hooo!), is this all just a natural extension of my tendency to do it up?
So what’s your take on it? Is it normal and natural to dream about your wedding before you’ve even gotten engaged? Why do we all do it even if we scoff at romance? Am I helping to set womanity back like 200 years just by writing about this stuff or is it all just good clean fun? Do I even give a fuck?
Entry filed under: Events, Fashion, feminism, relationships, Theater, Uncategorized, vanity. Tags: DIY, Etsy, Fashion, feminism, halloween, life, Love, martha stweart, party planning, relationships, Theater, vanity, weddings.
1.
joanne | September 24, 2009 at 2:46 am
You know a friend and I were just discussing this. She is rather anti-marriage but at the same time can’t help but plan a hypothetical wedding party. I think what makes weddings appealing to a lot of us who aren’t big in to the whole marriage thing, is a wedding is an excuse to throw one hell of a classy party and invite all our friends.
Think about it. When else would you justify putting that kind of effort and money in to a party. Also the fact that it is your wedding means that more of your guests will show up, and dress up. That person who always shows up in a t-shirt and jeans even if you insisted that it was a dressy party, wouldn’t do that at your wedding unless they wanted to look like a jerk. That friend who is always non-committal about whether or not they are attending, now has to give a solid answer.
I think some of also stems from the fact that for most of us there are very few opportunities to wear a really fancy dress and not look out of place. None of us attend hollywood style awards shows, or fancy high society functions. And while I wouldn’t want to wear a cocktail dress every day, once in a great while I do get the urge to look glamorous. The problem is most of the time I’m all dressed up with no place to go.
So go ahead and plan that wedding, and if the real thing ever happens, you’re one step ahead because you’ll know what you want and where to get it. Also don’t worry too much about being a bridezilla. You only turn into one when you’ve been brainwashed into thinking that this is only for you (the guests, parents, and groom be dammed), and are unable to accept that even on your wedding day you may have to settle for eggshell white napkins, because they just don’t make them in bone white.
2.
Ayelle | September 24, 2009 at 3:51 am
Yes, I think a big part of it is the “party planner” thing, and a big part is the “theatre person” thing (which means if the groom is also a theatre person, you’ll probably have to share!)… but whether or not you’re a theatre person or a party planner, I also think it’s almost inevitable to find yourself mentally planning *your* wedding while witnessing friends plan/have theirs. Hey, guys do it too, though perhaps to a lesser extent. I kind of think everybody does a little, whether they actually will end up wanting to have a real one or not.
After all, it’s tremendously pleasurable to fantasize — and as with all kinds of fantasies, what you fantasize about is not *necessarily* connected to what you actually, literally want IRL. (Sometimes it is, of course, but the thing about fantasy is that it doesn’t HAVE to be connected to reality — it’s totally free.) Now, sitting down to plan the real thing once you’ve got all the pieces in your hands — all the things you really need to know before you can start planning for real — is often something else entirely…
I think a Bridezilla is partly what Joanne said, the woman who thinks it is all ONLY for her — who thinks that she’s still inside her fantasy world, where the only person whose desires matter are her own, other people (and real-life constraints and haphazardness) be damned. But there is nothing Bridezilla-ish about indulging in the fantasy itself. Only about being unable to tell the difference between the fantasy and the reality when the time comes, being unable to separate the parts of the fantasy that will work great, from the ones you just have to let go.
3.
fever2tell | September 24, 2009 at 12:06 pm
You mean it ISN’T all about me? ; )
I remember being at my senior prom, looking around the dance floor and thinking, “this is probably the last time most of us will be this dressed up until we get married.” I was pretty much right. I also remember thinking, “What a waste! There isn’t even any good music here!”
For young women, proms can very much be dress rehearsals for weddings. I think the bridezilla culture also partially comes from the part of our culture that tells girls they need a $500 dress, a tiara, a spray tan, professional hair and makeup, a mani-pedi and a limo to go to what is really just a school dance. A “this is the most important night of a girl’s life because it is her chance to look really, really, beautiful” ideal. *barf*
You are both right, the party planner comes out in me thinking about weddings. Also, although I really do believe in the idea of partnership & marriage, I feel really, really uncomfortable with weddings themselves. I don’t like all the religious connotations and I find many of the traditions creepy and sexist. Also, I can’t get down with the expectation that you are supposed to spend the equivalent of a down-payment on a house on one stinking day, when half the stuff you buy is marked up 500% because it says “wedding” on it.
I have another fantasy… Eloping in a civil ceremony at Cambridge Courthouse and having my reception be beer and hommous at the Middle East. That way I just sidestepped having to explain to my family that I will be married in a Catholic ceremony OVER MY DEAD BODY and the dress I wear will not be a “tasteful” Vera Wang. But then if I do that, I would truly miss having my friends and family there on the big day.
Planning the reception is a nice way to fantasize about all the FUN and joyful stuff about weddings without having to dry heave over the thought of explaining to Aunt Tilly that there will be no catholic ceremony because I don’t believe in god and I find religion sexist, but hey, come to the party and have a sugar skull! That won’t be very much fun.
This is where you have to start considering the gray area between “it’s all about US” (the bride and the groom) and “we want our families involved”. Do I care that my mom would be heartbroken if I eloped in jeans and a t shirt? Of course I do, I’m not totally heartless. Do I care so much about what my family thinks that I’m going to go to pre-canna with my fiance and promise not to use birth control just so I can get married in a church and make everyone happy? Hell no. There has to be a balance. It is fun to plan a wedding… before you have to make compromises!
4.
Grimlocke | September 24, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Dayum, gurl. I am stridently against the institute of marriage, but the picture you just painted has even got ME wanting a wedding! Fie on you!
5.
Kami | September 25, 2009 at 12:28 am
In Miami, where I grew up, all the girls had Quinceneras when they turned 15. Big fucking ball-like coming out parties with choreography. Sort of like a wedding but with less baggage. Maybe you should plan a Halloween inspired Quincenera. On the Cape. (Though I must say, neither the Cape nor Halloween feel very Quince-ish. But Dia de los Meurtes does. So maybe you should do it in Mexico instead…however, the best quinces I’ve been to were Cuban so maybe you should hold out for the embargo to end.) And anyway, I don’t think weddings are sexist. Princess wedding are sexist. That is all.
6.
Kami | September 25, 2009 at 12:29 am
I meant Princess weddingS. Like Arielle’s, Belle’s and Cinderelly’s.
7.
fever2tell | September 25, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Oh Kami, please tell me you’ve seen Disney bridal: http://www.disneybridal.com/
Go check it out and have a laugh.
Too bad I didn’t have a Quincenera. This would have been the perfect year to do it as I’m 15 x 2! What i really wanted to do was have a Day of the Dead themed zombie prom, hire a DJ and do it in a hall… but then I realized I’m broke. Life’s a bitch!
And as for weddings, I don’t think all weddings are sexist. I was raised Catholic so the majority of weddings I’ve been to were Catholic and there is a lot of traditional gender role reinforcement in the Catholic ceremony that makes me want to barf. I should add that I found the Unitarian and non-denomonational weddings I’ve been to as very moving and profound and not a sexist at all. I’ve never been to any Jewish weddings, so I can’t speak to that ceremony. All I know is my experience as a mostly Catholic religious ex-pat.
8.
Miss C | October 1, 2009 at 1:00 am
Don’t feel too Bad, Alyssa. Three years ago I bought the shoes for years that I’d fantasized getting hitched in. I guess my feeling it, the more you prepare for it now, the less hassle it will be later.
Also, what’s so bad about throwing an awesome party so that your friends and family can be a part of the joy you feel? (Note: “Awesome party” not to be synonymous with “outrageous reception.”)